Naatu Vishesham* -- Life in a Modern Joint Family Structure

My readers will remember that I mentioned something about an epiphany I had when I was forced to deal with a "situation" in this post. I also promised to tell you the whole story. So here it is...

"Harsha called up Kasturi this morning, and the two of them had a huge show-down," said Shuchi, without any preamble. "Ok, I'm coming over to your house, and we'll take a walk," was my hurried response before hanging up the phone. "Aaaah, the pimple has popped and the pus is out," I mused with glee. Nothing like fresh gossip to get the boredom out of my humdrum sleepy suburban experience. I grabbed my car keys, yelled a quick "Don't wait up for me, I'll be late," to MOH by way of explanation and drove off post-haste. En route to Shuchi's house I called up Kasturi to get the juice straight from the horse's mouth. I had to be on the same page as Shuchi before I reached her casa if we were to dissect the why's and how's during our walk.
"So what happened?" I asked K. "Oh, well, you know how things've been lately with H," she said. "All the attention you guys give me just doesn't sit well with her," she moaned. And K was right. We all love her to death, and she really is the star of the show wherever she goes -- her joie de vivre is hard to miss.
H walks around with this notion that she is the matriarch of "the group" by virtue of the fact that she is the oldest amongst us. She never did like all the adulation K got. "Hmmm..." I mumbled by way of encouragement. "Well, H never forgets a slight, real or imagined, and somehow she thinks I have manipulated you guys into dismissing her and her efforts," K went on. "Hmmm..." I said again, deep in thought. When had we ever slighted H? I wondered to myself. I didn't have to think too much since K went on describe [in great detail] the long litany of complaints H had [primarily] with her and [by association] with all of us.
"How can anyone hold on to a grudge for 11 months?" I asked S later that evening. "And why did H choose K's birthday to get 'even' with her?" I continued enraged. "Well, all I can say is,with H around, K won't miss her inlaws. With friends like H, who needs a mean saas or a nanad?" * said S. That is when it all became clear to me.

Other than the Gujaratis or Sardars, most familes in the US [especially those who have become Americans via the H1 -- Green Card -- Citizen route] are nuclear in nature. The typical Indian woman living in the US comes here as a shy young bride. She has not lived with her inlaws for any extended period of time. Therefore, she does not know them too well, and there is always a certain extent of formality in her dealings with her inlaws. Meanwhile, however, she manages to create a mini-India [her home] wherein she tries to maintain the traditional lifestyle she is used to from her parents' house. She also manages to create a tiny tight-knit circle of friends. Her friends are usually other women of her ilk. This circle becomes a strong support network with the members pitching in to help one another during tough times and celebrating with one another during happy times. Unfortunately, however, women in the US do not always get to pick their friends.

This is how "circles" are formed:
When the young couple move into a particular town or city, the first friends they make tend to be Indian families from the workplace [either the husband's or the wife's]. Later, their "circle" might extend to include parents of Indian children who attend their kids' school. If by some lucky [or unlucky] turn of fate, they learn about Indian neighbors, these families go on to become "friends" too. Under these circumstances, it is easy to see why/how the couple cannot always "gel" with everyone in the "group."

This is more an issue with the women than the men. During forced it's-Friday-so-let's-have-a-potluck-and-spend-time-together events, men stick to drinking beer and discussing politics [the national and international kind]. The women, on the other hand, like to get more up-close and personal. They discuss personal issues and try to outdo one another with their cooking-decorating-parenting prowess. Soon they form core groups within larger groups. People tend to pick favorites, and now we have the birth of the "best friend" syndrome. Intrigues, group politics and idle gossip follow soon after. Isn't this exactly what happens in a joint-family unit in traditional India? [If your've never been a part of a joint-family unit, simply turn on the TV to a desi channel, tune into one of the popular soaps and watch an episode or two. It will be an education in itself.]

Don't get me wrong. I'm not railing against the formation of such groups. I'm not ranting about the crazy first-I-love-you-then-I-hate-you gimmicks my friends and I indulge in either. I am merely telling you that this is our way of life. Sure, at first I did miss India and the family that I had left behind, but now that I am in the thick of things here, I am beginning to feel a strange sense of belonging. I do have a large extended family here too -- the one made up with people I have met here. Like all families, I share a love-hate relationship with the members. Mostly, it is a you're-really-a-pain-but-what-do-I-do-without-you kinda' situation. I'm learning and waiting...biding my time till I become the matriarch of the circle!

Notes:
Naatu Vishesham = Malayalam for Village Gossip
casa = Spanish for house
saas = Hindi for mother-in-law
nanad = Hindi for sister-in-law [Indian women are known to have ego hassles with the female relatives when they move in with their inlaws after marriage]