That's a Fit

Prologue: So here I am at Wal-Mart sorting through a pile of blue denims, trying to find the right fit. MOH is fuming at the nostrils since, he claims, he has an early morning conference call and he needs his beauty sleep. “Come on, dude!” I tell him, “A gal has the right to take her time picking out a new pair of jeans.” “Not at 11.00 p.m. on a week-night; she doesn’t,” counters the other half. Meanwhile, the brat is whining for a new pair of shoes, not because she needs a new pair, but because, “It’s not fair that mom gets whatever she wants and I get nothing.” Yeah, well, whatever!

I head down to the fitting rooms and as luck would have it, they seem to be locked. A painted sign announces that the fitting rooms were “Open for public use from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m. daily.” So much for trying on my selection for size.

Much to MOH’s relief [and the brat’s dismay] I head down to the checkout aisle to pay for my wares. We head back home, and although it is almost midnight by then, I insist I should try my new threads on right away. The stiff denim slides easily up to my knees, but after that it is a struggle. With a jiggle here and a wiggle there, I manage to get the waistband up to my hips. Now I have the zipper to deal with. I pull and I yank to no avail. I have to conclude that the jeans don’t really fit. So what’s new?!

The Story: It all began when I decided to visit Mumbai last Xmas. The original intent of the visit [meeting my parents] soon gave way to a new high [shopping for saris]. The first time I accompanied my friends to the local market, I reacted like a lost Bedouin who had found water in the dry desert. I have to admit that I went a wee bit overboard and when it was time for me to pack my bags for the return trip, I found that I could not snap the locks on even after forcing the brat to sit on top [of the suitcases].

“You will have to downsize,” Amma declared. “Ahem! And just what would you like me to leave behind?” I wondered aloud. “Take all your saris. You can’t buy them there. But why are you taking your western clothes? You could always buy news ones after getting back,” she replied. “Hmm! Mothers do know best after all,” I mused.

Thus it was that I left my most loved pair of jeans behind. It has been three months since I got back and I have yet to find a suitable replacement. I’m getting tired of wearing formal pants and Capri’s all the time. So, you ask, what’s the big deal? Why don’t you just head out to the mall and get yourself a new pair of jeans? Trust me, however, when I tell you that finding the right pair of jeans is not as easy as it might seem.

I should know. By now I have tried on at least 38 different pairs and I am not even close to finding “my” pair. I’m beginning to think that this is no less serious a task than finding the right guy [or gal] to marry. Serious shoppers must first decide on a store. In my defense, I visited the GAP outlet, Lerner New York, and my all-time favorite, Target, before heading out to Wal-mart. This reminds me of harried mamis turning from shaadi.com, to Times of India Classifieds and then coming back to the friendly neighborhood matchmaker in order to find a suitable match for their darling offspring.

Once you decide on a store, there is the brand to consider. This is much like identifying a prospective [groom or bride] from the right “caste.” Just like each caste has its sub-castes, each brand has its models. Thirdly, there is the style to consider – easy fit, relaxed fit, straight fit and classic fit. When desis want to get married, they figure out the broad category of prospective matches they are interested in. For instance, “I want an engineer, preferably a computer engineer,” many of them are wont to reason.

Next there is the “cut” to watch out for -- tapered leg, straight leg, flared leg and boot cut. Your prospective spouse can be old-fashioned, traditional, progressive or downright ultra-modern. The exact shade of denim is another factor you must take into consideration. Do you want indigo, deep blue, light blue, gray, ash, black, almost white or some other interesting mix of all of the above? Well, people have color too, you know.

Once you identify and understand your preferences with reference to all of the above mentioned criteria, you must find a pair [of jeans] that fulfils these requirements and manages to fit the unique contours of your body. Surely a thin person would not consider marrying a prospective who resembles a Sumo wrestler! Also, you must remember that each numbered jean size comes in three different categories: tall, regular and petite. The success of the Jaya Bhaduri-Amitabh Bachchan marriage notwithstanding, I’m sure most people would want to find a partner who matches up to them vertically. Finally, when you manage to get all these ducks in a row, you will want to figure out the financial implications of living with your choice. With reference to a marriage, need I elaborate more on this context?

Given the complexity of the situation, I am sure you now understand why I am faced with such an uphill task. Devout Hindu that I am I believe I cannot succeed unless my stars are well aligned. So, I must plod on…meanwhile, happy denim owners/wearers [including my near-perfect life partner] console me by saying that although the path to success is long and tortuous, with interesting twists and turns, one day I will find the right pair of jeans. When I do, they tell me, I will, once again, feel exhilarated and on top of the world.

Epilogue: Since the penning of the above comparison/contrast essay, I am happy to report that I have found my match. It is a midnight blue 10 Regular, Tommy Hilfiger stretch hipster, slim fitted and boot cut. I found it at Ross and it cost me only $24.99! Hurray!!

Glossary:

Amma = South Indian term for mother

Mami = Maternal uncle’s wife. Loosely translated, it stands for any middle-aged, married woman.